My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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