I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
