did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
