This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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