She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
