when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
