The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
