if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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