I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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