I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
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He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
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Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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