i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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