so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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