She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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