I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
