but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
