So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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