Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
