You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
