Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
