I accidentally had phone sex last night
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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