I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
