I hate all girls vehemently.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
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Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
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Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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