There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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