My Higher Power is John Stamos
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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