mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
