I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
