We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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