I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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