Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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