So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
