So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
