My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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