What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
