I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
