saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
my liver is dry heaving
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
