i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
