woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
