Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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