I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
