I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
