I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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