Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
