Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
