At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
