Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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