Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
