Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
