My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
