Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
