New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
