remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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