I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize