If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
